Great Exudations

Are we poems?

If poems are we,

I’m jammed between the blackboard

And the deep blue sea.

“You thought you had seen it all! THE SWARM (1978) had killer bees. THEM! (1954) gave us giant post-atomic, man-eating ants. THE DEADLY MANTIS (1957) emerged from Arctic ice to sow destruction on Earth. FROGS (1972) showed mother nature fighting back against chemical pollution. And now WORMS! (2022) reveals the imminent attack of deadly nematodes spurred to eat human tissue due to the ravaging effects of global warming! That sound you hear at night as you go to sleep isn’t the wind… it’s WORMS!…. coming to devour your BRAIN!!”

John Heard, one of the stars of C.H.U.D. (1984), actually graduated my high school and was an old friend of one of my uncles from their schoolboy days. I’ve seen a handful of his films besides this one, including A Trip to Bountiful (1985), The Milagro Beanfield War (1988), and BIG (1988). I enjoyed his acting style. I found it a little raw and insouciant, ironic even. Not over- or underplayed but drawing just a smidge outside the lines. Probably a result of his stage experience and its tendencies of night-to-night variation and improvisation. A certain “let’s give this a try” ethos. The world needs more of that.

I met him exactly once. It was Thanksgiving Day and we were celebrating in the traditional American family style. That is, we were at Laurel Raceway (“Dawn of a New Day” their tag line) betting on the ponies, eating shrimp cocktail and draining Bloody Mary’s. My favorite day of the year since I was eight (the bloodies came later). On background, another uncle, my mom’s oldest brother, had served the common good twice as Maryland State Horse Racing Commissioner, so we were at the Turf Club in proper coat and tie. It was my post-college years. A good crowd was at the bar. All four uncles were there, as well as my siblings and several cousins. They even gave you a voucher for a “free” pie on your way out. We all loved “track pie” — they had mincemeat and pumpkin. Maybe also apple, not sure. I always went pumpkin. Wrote a poem many years ago called “Track Pie.” I’ll try to dig that up.

Anyway, John Heard arrives to modest fanfare. I guess when you know people from way back when, the frisson of celebrity is blunted. My older sister being an inveterate prankster, and having met him once or twice before, immediately hatched a trick. She knew he didn’t know me from Adam’s off ox (yes, that’s an It’s A Wonderful Life reference) and somehow convinced me to approach him with an overly enthusiastic, “Hey, I know you! You’re the guy from C.H.U.D. !!” And, just so you know, I really hate doing uncomfortable shit like that. It’s not my style. But my sister loves it and I usually go along. But he immediately smelled a rat and started looking about with his trademark beady eyes (not sinister but cynical, skeptical… you saw BIG!) sensing a set-up. I regret not getting more time to pepper him with questions about C.H.U.D. (or Margot Kidder whom he married and separated from after six days!) before he was whisked away. He did say that the film would have been way cooler had they stuck with the original plan to never show the actual monsters. And I suspect he’s right about that. Maybe in another Hollywood at the far side of the multiverse. Alas.