“A Tale of Two Islands”

When you think about is, there are many similarities between the people and dealings on Epstein Island and those in the hallowed halls of our government in Washington, DC, particularly in the Trump 2.0 era. Let’s call the latter Trump Island. The difference is really one of emphasis. Epstein lured rich and powerful men into his intricate web with promises of sex with young women. In Washington, the main focus is on power/influence with wealth working either as the point of entry or as an aspirational rider. Sex always follows power and money, so it’s only a matter of the order of things. What is not surprising is the broad overlap of these two worlds where people like Musk and Trump, tired of the pure money game, wanted to take it to the ultimate level. And in that way sex with young women (some underage) has the limbic lure of a forbidden fruit, so, too, the adrenaline-fueled rush to flout democratic norms and to smash up federal agencies — with the bonus access to the tools of government to harass and attack political your opponents (or steal data). Two sides of the same coin, as it were. On the reverse, the sworn secrecy behind Epstein’s seedy endeavors while the obverse brazenly flaunts the tyrannical methods of destruction and intimidation. On one side, an unbridled desire for physical gratification. On the other, an unquenchable urge to exclude, deny, dominate and punish.

It’s all one game, you see. Both involve the quid pro quo long enjoyed by the rich and well-connected (plum jobs and clerkships, college admissions, club membership, etc.). Both involve innocent victims of injustice. And both help solidify our collective cynicism and distrust. Massive wealth disparity is partly to blame for these latest iterations. There must be something like a sex-drive that compels the wealthy to meddle in our politics. I guess it’s a lonely place in those gated communities and mahogany board rooms. One needs something to do, after all. It has me wondering what keeps it at bay, at least on its present scale, during most eras. Surely it’s the majority/plurality of decent people who refuse to underwrite, enable and/or cover-up these unjust actions. People who feel the constrains of conscience and see the benefit of traditions. People who strive to make things better for all, not myopically dwelling on their own narrow, short-term interests. Where’s Daniel Ellsberg when you need him?

These historical paroxysms come in many shapes, sizes, and colors. Financial, political, environmental and sexual scandals are regular menu items for the ruling class. One need only look at the last 100-odd years to see the pattern. In each case, ask yourself, “who was this helping?” On the venality side, we had the Teapot Dome Scandal in the 1920’s, the S&L Crisis of the 1980’s and the fading memory of the Enron scandal. Not to mention the countless dubious schemes of Trump, Inc. over the decades. And then there are the felonious assholes who were pardoned by Trump and relieved of their restitution requirements. Power takes what it wants. It picks winners and losers. To the rich and powerful, the rules simply don’t apply. And Trump’s self-interested backing of the crypto-bros is both utterly corrupt and reckless. As he never pays for anything and will leave us all with the gigantic bill.

On the political side, we had McCarthyism, the Vietnam/Cambodia cover-up that led into Watergate, Ronald Reagan‘s stain of Iran-Contra, the Iraq War based on falsified intelligence, and the continued fall-out of Trumpo’s great election lie, best exemplified by the Jan 6 insurrection. Again, look at who’s benefitting. It’s clearly not to the general good. But it’s not just whom it helps. Look at who gets hurt. These moves are often reactionary and target minority groups. We saw it with the Japanese internments during WWII, the vilification of Vietnamese “boat people” in the late 70’s/early 80’s, anti-Muslim sentiment post-9/11, and Trump’s open hostility to people arriving from anywhere other than the lily-whites from northern Europe or South Africa. And it can even target otherwise established citizens like the wiretappings by J. Edgar Hoover and the Nixon administration. What’s changed is that now it’s mostly out in the open… ICE, ICE, Baby!!… US citizens are being shot and killed with little to no consequence or else shipped off to some prison without due process. Agents sworn to uphold the law like Kash (Fucking) Patel and Pam (Fucking) Bondi are proudly defiant of Constitutional constraints. Both full-blown traitors and a disgrace to the rule of law. They snort and buck like pigs at the trough of power. And in their sneering obfuscations, they act with an air of open defiance and impunity — taking their cue from Trump’s textbook: “if I’m stating (or blocking) it publicly, it can’t be illegal.” The foxes are in the hen-house and they carry fucking rabies.

Over the decades, there have been oil spills, nuclear mishaps, chemical leaks, insecticide poisonings (see Rachel Carson on DDT) and water contaminations. Why? Mostly because those in charge put profits over people. Trump 2.0 has gone to warp speed in gutting environmental safeguards, declaring climate change a hoax, and undermining the firmly established science of vaccines. His recklessness know no bounds, politically, financially, environmentally, whatever. Again, it is us who will pay in the end.

Then there’s sex. The enslavement and prostitution in WWII by Germans in concentration camps and those Japanese “comfort women” might seem like forever ago, but then what about the decades-long (centuries, more like) abuse within the Catholic Church (and most others), and in the various religious cults from more recent memory. Not to mention the harassment and sexual assault experienced daily, including the one civil case proven in court against Trump himself by Jean Carroll (there were other accusers). And still we get the drip-drip-drip about his close ties to Jeffrey Epstein and bear witness to his ever-shrinking and implausible deniability. He has ZERO credibility. On ANYTHING. ZIPPO!! And any insinuation that Bill Gates or Noam Chomsky might have bitten from the very same apple helps his case not one iota. The fact that such perversion might have come from both ends of the political spectrum should surprise nobody. But also they are not the current President of the United States. They did not stoke a violent insurrection at the US Capitol. They have not lied and slandered with every other living breath. They have not used public office to enrich themselves. They have not had massive fines imposed for corporate tax fraud. And they have not been found guilty in open court of sexual assault. The breadth and depth of Trump’s corruption is truly hard to fathom. I’m not sure it will ever be fully known.

The Scowl of the Pussy-grabber. Accountability is coming for you, Trumpf… in the lowest reaches of Dante’s HELL!

There you have it. In summary, Trump personifies that dark trifecta of abuse: greed with ill-gotten gains; corruption resulting in gross injustice; and vulgarity manifesting as sexual predation. Financial, political, environmental, and sexual scandals will continue to follow him in his sulfurous wake. Orange is the color of that broadly overlapping portion of the Venn diagram that connects our country’s polluted swamp in Washington to the tragic abuses on Epstein Island. He is the LOWEST common denominator of our national malaise. Trump is, in short, the perfect and complete asshole. Akin to the rarefied musician’s musician, he’s the ultimate asshole’s ASSHOLE!

I’ll close by modifying that monumental quote from US Army attorney Joseph Welch who famously confronted Sen. Joseph McCarthy at an open Congressional hearing in 1954 by asking, “Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last?”…. to which I would add to Mr. Trump, “and as you so obviously have no decency, sir, would please just GO FUCK YOURSELF…!!”

“Why wouldn’t you…???”

Enticing signage at Bavette’s Bar & Boeuf (love that word!) in Chicago. In truth, this post is purely a respite from my running vitriolic, anti-Trumpf screed. We do celebrate some things here at GREAT EXUDATIONS. Things like a belt of liquor chased by pickle juice. But, rest assured, those broadsides will return in short order, just as long as that mother- …. Nope, not today.

“Agents of Destruction, Then and Now”

ChatGPT and me.

Trump is a weapon of mass distraction and destruction. Everything he touches turns to shit. By dint of a stolen seat and the untimely death of RBG, the Supreme Court has massively elevated the powers of the presidency (they also gutted voting rights and greenlit corporate take-over of elections) at a time when one of history’s great pyro-narcissists has again taken the reins. John Roberts and Mitch McConnell should be tarred and feathered as two betrayers of our democracy. Trump is sick in the mind and has little talent beyond lying, graft and evading consequences. He’s a gilded loser. His personal brand is USDA grade-A for ASSHOLE. And he would have never gotten this far without a whole lot of help from his enablers. They can all go fuck themselves!

This one was done by my old friend, special agent X-98.

“A Little MAGA Magic!

I fear we have nearly run out of negative adjectives and superlatives in the Trump 2.0 era. This is now fully POX Americana and each day brings new corruption and graft, more lies, greater cruelty, and higher levels of gross managerial incompetence. It’s now only a question of which norms and laws and fiduciary responsibilities he and his cronies will flout in the remaining three years. Of this new rogue style of politics, Trump is the Founding Fucker.
And for every shit-maker there must also be one who consumes it. JD Vance has perfected this dark performative art of selling his soul to the abject fraud that is Trumpism, which he once publicly decried. Let’s call his next memoir “Shit-Eating Elegy”

“Black Mirror”

“It’s going to disappear. One day — it’s like a miracle — it will disappear. And from our shores, we — you know, it could get worse before it gets better. It could maybe go away. We’ll see what happens. Nobody really knows.”

— President Donald J. (for Jackass) Trump on COVID-19 in 2020

Trump the Idiot’s own words often reflect back at him in the Black Mirror. It’s beyond remarkable the many things he says, particularly insulting barbs about “nasty” opponents and “piggy” journalists, that are so often false and yet simultaneously triply-true about himself. He’s the Imperial Wizard of Projection. His self-loathing and insecurity, by a dark physics, are somehow our load to carry. But one day — it’s like a miracle –he and his goon-cretins will disappear from the power of public office. Then toss some bleach and watch the fucking rats scatter!

Ken Burns said that understanding, and perhaps more importantly, coming to grips with American history requires an embrace of its contradictions. Our nation’s past is littered with many dark periods, counterbalanced as they are by lasting victories over adversity. He says, “The binaries that we set up are the biggest trap, whether they come from the left or the right.” Dare say he’s correct. Neither side at any one moment can claim a total monopoly on the truth. And politics is simply history in real time, so it would be wise if we all could internalize some of this learned equipoise. The screenwriter Matt Bird, in his excellent book “The Secrets of Story,” describes great drama as often stemming from an irresolvable dilemma between two opposing and incompatible positions. He talks about complex characters facing simple, distilled problems (“High Noon” or “Casablanca”) as more compelling than simple characters tackling one adventure after another (“Fast and Furious” — part whatever). And that in the end there is usually a bending in one direction or the other. A temporary deflection. Not as a permanent solution, mind you, for as we know life goes on and more problems emerge after the credits roll. I think this model works well for thinking historically. It’s never really over, you see. The good guys don’t win in perpetuity (or like “Rocky” lose — though in losing, he won), otherwise you wouldn’t have sequels (“The Empire Strikes Back”). I find this useful for trying to understand why it took us 58 years to get from Plessy v. Ferguson (1896) to Brown v. Board of Education (1954), despite Justice John Marshall Harlan’s lone dissent in the former being the very foundation for the latter (Thurgood Marshall called it his “Bible”). After all, “justice delayed is justice denied,” as has often and aptly been stated.

Will Kane (Gary Cooper) in “High Noon” sets out alone in the name of justice.

But that’s all in retrospect. Prospectively, we must fight and fight honorably! Ironically, fight hard or “we won’t have a country left” (another boomeranging Trump quote). And we must fight the hardest when the stakes are at their utmost, especially when the opposing side will give no quarter. In the classic example, compromise with Nazis was proven not feasible, just ask Neville Chamberlain. Or else ask his karmic opposite, that humorless, sodden, Red Scare-bully Joseph McCarthy. History settles up eventually, one way or the other. So when one side declares the contest a zero-sum, winner-take-all proposition and will stop at nearly nothing to prevail, then the gloves must come off. And we are living in one such period but on several fronts. Yes, it is once again “High Noon.” Putin’s Russian war machine in Ukraine has gone all-in. Similarly in Israel, Netanyahu is on a path that allows virtually no compromise with the Palestinians. He feels he can win it all (he can’t) or else he will die trying. Except for the unjust methods, they each would have some fair point to make about their own security. Alas. And here at home, Trump and his incel-goon-squad are shredding our Constitution for their own perverted ends. There’s no lie they won’t tell. No election they won’t rig or else falsely contest. No citizen they won’t smear. No opponent they won’t prosecute. No amoral hack they won’t promote to the highest level. No settled science they won’t undermine.

Lee Van Cleef (left) plays one of the black-hatted goons in “High Noon.” These three pricks would fit in well with ICE.

Trump, between terms, blocked bipartisan efforts at immigration reform. Why? Because this was his premier wedge issue. His “birther” brand. The one with which he could divide the country and provoke confrontations that fit perfectly into his long-planned overreach on executive power. In yet another spot-on characterization, with Trump “cruelty is the point” (that is, when it isn’t vanity and/or greed, though often all three in combination). But, as Matt Bird says, the full story doesn’t end there. When cruelty has become the point — as the despicable actions of ICE and the absurd obfuscations/propaganda coming from Trumpf, SS Miller, ICE Barbie, Bondi, Hegseth, et al. have proven — then they have fully lost their moral legitimacy (do they care?) and must be met with equal strength, based on those founding principles of truth and justice. In short, these lying, bullying fuck-wads must go, and, as Nick (Sheldon Leonard) in “It’s A Wonderful Life” put it, “through the door or out the window!” Via the courts. At the ballot box. In the public conscience. From the legitimate press. All of these. The ICE agents must be de-masked (and, ideally, raw-dogged). And this utter fallacy of “absolute immunity” must be thoroughly challenged. Because the Proud Boys are no longer “standing by,” they are in the streets of Minneapolis and are wreaking bloody havoc, just as they did to the cops at the US Capitol on Jan 6.

My old friend JS once again captures the zeitgeist.
JS should get a Pulitzer for these AI images. MACA! Fucking nails it!!

America is undoubtedly a land of major contradictions. We have the highest levels of scientific innovation yet we have crumbling infrastructure. We make billionaires seemingly by the millions (often with government grants for tech and pharma), but they don’t want to pay another dollar in taxes despite massive income disparity. We have more guns than people and we collectively mourn the frequent mass shootings, but we are somehow hog-tied by an totally warped (and recent) interpretation of the Second Amendment due to the NRA and the gun lobby. The Trump administration uses antisemitism as a bogus pretext for assailing universities, all the while harboring neo-Nazis and white nationalists under his broad umbrella of uber-douchebags. Hell, they’ve even found images and slogans on US government websites (including for ICE recruitment) like “Trust the Plan” (QAnon slogan) or “We’ll Have Our Home Again” (Proud Boys anthem). Remember the globalist cabal and the pedophile rings and George Soros and the Jewish space lasers? Yeah, these assholes eat, shit and breathe antisemitism. That fucking call is coming from inside the house. The pandering is just caked-on orange make-up and cheap cologne to cover Trump’s flagrant hypocrisy, which is fully a design feature of his operation. Oh, and never mind that numerous Jewish people worldwide, including citizens of Israel, believe that Palestinians deserve civil rights and a fair deal in Gaza and the West Bank. I’m guessing that nobody is falsely labeling them as supporters of Hamas. It’s a false binary.

We are a nation of immigrants yet somehow want to rid ourselves of immigrants. We have a supposed free press but one of our major broadcasters, in FOX News, is a reflexively dogmatic propaganda machine for the Right, and our so-called president is trying to bully and sue all truth-leaning outlets into submission. We have a beautifully articulated statement of equality in our founding document yet don’t apply it to the impoverished, people of color, women, gays, etc. We have local, state and national elections to determine our political course, but it is bastardized by extreme partisan gerrymandering. We are stuck in thrall to billionaires, lobbyists, and corporate interests. And unelected groups/persons massively influence policy with their toxic “purity tests,” like the Federalist Society or that monomaniacal dweeb Grover Norquist, the marauding tax crusader. Why the fuck is that guy deciding anything?! He looks and sounds like an assistant manager at Applebee’s and probably eats there regularly! But whether on guns, reproductive choice, climate change, tax policy, voting rights or immigration, the orangey Death Star that is Trump 2.0 — including the Roberts Court and the Vichy Congress — has run the damn tables on progressives, we must concede. But didn’t that evil-fucking-orb get blown to smithereens at the end of the movie??

The physics of this image doesn’t really work. That’s A.I. for you. But it has a certain, dare say, poetic truth. Another epic drama that resolves with the nefarious villain meeting a storied end. Also fuck that mother-fucking, fuck-faced, fucking fuck-hole. History already has his number.

Trump is exactly like a black mirror. In him are reflected all the worst impulses of mankind. That dark triad of (malignant) narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy but with really bad skin and hair thrown in for the visuals. He’s a vulgar philistine, speaks at a 6th grade level and is utterly devoid of joy (unless you count joy in cruelty). He cares not a lick about theater or the arts, yet must slap his tired-ass name on the Kennedy Center, just to “own the libs.” Ha-ha! Stupid prick. All this as he opportunistically rides the coattails of Christianity while simultaneously shitting all over Christ’s message. He has been a pox on our body politic for ten long years now. Perhaps we have at last found a worthwhile human use for Ivermectin. Right up his fat and fascist ass!!

DUMP TRUMP 2026….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, for the record, FUCK TRUMP!!!

“Trivialities”

Triviality #1: Most everyone is familiar with Nostradamus. But few realize that he had a prognosticating half-brother called Nostrildamus, who divined the future using exclusively his sense of smell.

He sniffed the Medieval air and predicted that an orange-faced buffoon would narcotize the masses with an unrelenting profusion of lies to thus conquer Greenland, where he would build a fortress from fool’s gold for his retinue of siliconed strippers, ne’er-do-wells, neo-Nazis, and former FOX News hosts. Eat your heart out, Jimmy the Greek! (collaboration with ChatGPT)

Triviality #2: I am working on a novel theory called “The Law of Conservation of Shaving Cream and Its Broader Implications on the Future of Mankind.” Submissions are pending review at Science, The Economist, and The Onion. Watch this space.

A vintage ad showing that ah-ha moment in the life of a discriminating shaver. The secret here is “dual use” and Listerine was way ahead of its time in that regard — you can gargle the rinse or shave with the backwash, your choice. Or for the ladies (bottom right) as a shampoo!

Triviality #3: A surefire sign of rising inflation is when panhandlers are no longer asking for pocket change (who carries coins anymore?), but are now gunning rather specifically for hand-outs of $5.00 and $10.00. I mean, seriously??

And if their watch is nicer than yours, then just no. This dude looks like Bradley Cooper, who frankly comes off mostly as a douche, IMO, which is probably why he’s so believable in that type of role (with ChatGPT).

That’s all the wisdom I have for now. What’s great about a blog is that now I have a central repository for all my stupid jokes and inane ideas, which used to exist only on the back of some envelope or on torn bits of scrap paper (which I still keep, BTW).

“ICE, ICE, Baby…”

Installation at AIC of “Infantry with beast” (2008-10) by Jane Alexander evokes fascism with its menacing dog-like “humanimals” marching in formation… To the tune of “Rudolph/Reindeer”: “You know Bondi and Hegseth and RFK, Jr…”
“Eyes RIGHT!” sounds about right.
Trump’s Cabinet and ICE minions answer in the affirmative the long-unsolved philosophical question: “Do assholes have assholes?”
A metaphorical erasure. On the walls of the very same gallery were vestiges of the last major exhibit featuring the works of Gustave Caillebotte. This image resonates because authoritarian states always work to destroy any “degenerate” art/culture that doesn’t suit its own needs or that challenges its authority.

“De-booting (Fuck Trumpf!)”

Let us renew and long replace

What boots have stomped but cannot erase.

One glorious snow-ball to the head of an ICE agent in Minneapolis, MN. Surprised he didn’t fire into the crowd for “weaponizing snow.”

“The Bald F*cking Truth”

“Who LOVES ya’, baby?”
“Who HATES ya’, baby?”

It dawned on me that each year both begins and ends with “The Twilight Zone” marathon. Bookends, if you will. And this seems particularly fitting in the era of Trump 2.0, as we now live in a dystopian Shit-Show Supremo run by idiots, charlatans and ghouls. Who are these lame, prick-ass loser-fucks, anyway?! Were they not breast fed? Was it red dye #2? Too much TV? Not enough??

I mean, can’t we all just get along? They were a gift (to myself)…

I caught part of the TZ episode with Telly Savalas. What a absolute gem, he was. Gently layered and complex, but with a sweet core like a Tootsie Pop. Stephen Miller, on the other hand, has spent his whole life prepping for this one reality TV role as a petit fascist. What an utter germ, he is. If he were a food, he would be shit of a hyena wrapped in a rotting buzzard carcass. No, wait. That’s far too nice. Give me a minute…

Oh, yeah, and Happy New Year!!

New Years Day 2026 in Chicago. The GOP’s elephant has keeled over from exhaustion after a year of nonstop hatred, divisiveness, mendacity and greed. But let’s be serious, does anyone expect anything different in 2026? Fucking jagoffs.

“Old Fezziwig!”

A Merry Christmas to everyone from Great Exudations! This year we have a special treat for you. That timeless traveling troubadour, Tommy Treacle, was in the studio with me earlier this week and we were discussing all things Christmas. Below is a lightly edited version of our conversation. Enjoy!

Host: Welcome back, Tommy! It’s been far too long.

TT: Great to see you. How time flies, my friend. I’m beginning to feel like one of those old ghosts from Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol.”

Host: Which ghost would you be?

TT: I’d like to imagine myself as the fat and fun-loving one in the middle. The Ghost of Christmas Present, that would be. It’s best to live in the now when the drinks are cold and the food is still warm.

Host: Speaking of Dickens, do you have a favorite film version?

TT: I would say the 1938 film with Reginald Owen, probably because it was my first. I’m big on firsts. And I love the fact that Bob Cratchit and his wife were played by the real-life married couple, Gene and Kathleen Lockhart.

Host: I didn’t know that!

Kathleen and Gene Lockhart in “A Christmas Carol” (1938). Their daughter June Lockhart (of “Lost In Space” fame) also played their screen daughter, Belinda, in the film.

TT: I also greatly enjoy the 1951 film with Alastair Sim. But I have little time for the George C. Scott version that others seem to revere. I dislike the idea of an American playing Scrooge, even if the General Patton himself shared some of his less endearing qualities. Just too much muddle for my taste. I’m old school.

Host: Which character do you most identify with?

TT: No question. It’s Old Fezziwig. He embodies the warm generosity of Christmas. He plays such a small role but in a way he’s the heart of it all. His benevolence has shown the young Ebeneezer the way, and that kernel is what germinates into his subsequent redemption. I’m a Fezziwigger, all the way.

Host: I like that answer. And it’s a perfect segue to introduce the song you just played for me that was inspired by the Dickens novella. Have a listen.

Tommy Treacle’s song “Old Fezziwig” with a borrowed introduction from Lionel Barrymore

Host: That’s a nice little song. I like how you gave the story your own spin. A sort of internal refraction. Maybe not a bad definition of art. And while we are on visual media, let me ask are you more of a “Grinch” or “Charlie Brown” guy?

TT: Oh, man, that’s a really tough one. They both hit such warm, joyful notes yet are accompanied by a wonderful sort of melancholy. Not nostalgia exactly because I think it was always there, tugging at the heart strings. We’re pitting that moving score by Vince Guaraldi against the evocative narration of Boris Karloff. Hmmm. If I could only have one, it would have to be “A Charlie Brown Christmas.” Wait, no. Fuck it. I have to have both!

Host: Agreed.

The good old days.

Host: So, what was your favorite Christmas present as a child?

TT: That’s another hard one. I remember getting a really cool model of the Batmobile that came with its own hard plastic Bat Cave. Stoked the imagination. Wish I still had it, frankly. Oh, and a Wilson K2 football that I cherished until it finally wore out. How about you?

Host: My dad got me a subscription to Playboy when I was 16. I had already moved on to Penthouse by that time, but I really appreciated the gesture. He was welcoming me into manhood. Drawing me out of my Bat Cave, if you will.

TT: Ha! Indeed.

This was me, in my mind anyway, while playing with my Batmobile.

Host: And what’s your take on Christmas music?

TT: I love it. If I had to choose one, I’d go with Andy Williams. He just hits the right notes for me, his politics aside.

Host: Politics?

TT: Apparently a friend of John F. Kennedy, but also a lifelong Republican who loaned his song “Born Free” to Rush Limbaugh who then trolled animal rights activists by adding the sound of gunfire to it. Fuck that. But his Christmas songs are essential. I’m separating the man and his art here.

Host: Any other favorites?

TT: Early Sinatra, any Ella Fitzgerald, that Vince Guaraldi soundtrack we discussed… oh, and Nat King Cole!

I’ll always associate him with Christmas and wintertime, so I gave him the nickname of Nat King COLD!!

Host: What other Christmas memories stand out to you?

TT: I remember coming home for the holidays from college and getting some terrible news. A childhood friend had died in a car crash when he was also returning from school. At the time, my older sister was working as a first grade teacher at our old Catholic school. She very sweetly conjured a scheme to life my spirits by asking me to play Santa for her class. And it worked! Now, at the time I was quite thin but she stuffed me fat with pillows and such. And somehow, despite my initial lack of confidence in the role, the kids took to me. God bless ’em. A few asked for Transformers or Barbie dolls. But one kid stood out who requested ten treasure maps! I absolutely love both the spirit and the specificity of that. He didn’t just want stuff. He wanted detailed adventure maps, exactly ten of them, to go find the stuff for himself. That kid intuitively knew what life was all about. He’s a Fezziwigger!

Tommy Treacle as Santa with older brother and sister (Dec 1984).
You can never have too many treasure maps, but ten is a good number for starters.

Host: I could sure use a treasure map, if you’re carrying. Do you have any more recent holiday stories you’d like to share?

TT: Well, one comes to mind that speaks to the current era. I have a collection of high school and college friends in the Washington, DC area who get together for dinner at a steak house just before Christmas every year. They’ve been doing this since the late 80’s and it’s called the Dinner of Men. I affectionately call it the Dinner of Dorks. I think I joined 8-10 years after its inception and have attended maybe half of them. In lean years, there might be a dozen people, but at high times there were over twenty.

Host: You can take the boy out of Catholic school, am I right? I assume these were drinking affairs.

TT: Oh, yes. Big drinking crowd. And most of the apples didn’t fall far from the tree. A mixed bag that skews mostly conservative based on family tradition, tax bracket, etc. Nice guys though, to a man. Anyway, the e-mail invite goes out in early December and the year in question was 2020, during the initial wave of COVID. Keep in mind that within that first year of the pandemic 270,000 people had already died and the vaccine was not yet available. So, the first few affirmative RSVP responses trickled in from the die-hards and the flat-Earthers/ever-Trumpers. Then there was a lag of several hours, which I abruptly ended with my little jeremiad.

Host: Oh, look out!

TT: To summarize, my declining RSVP response had four points, as follows:

1. To that date, in less than a year, the CDC reported that about 30,000 people in our age bracket (55-64) had already died with COVID. I pointed out that the Vietnam War claimed 58,000 U.S. lives, but over a 7-8 year period. Think about that.

2. I pointed out that, to quote, “it’s not about you.” Because there are vulnerable populations of elderly and people with pre-exiting conditions or who are immunocompromised, some of whom are relatives and friends, one’s bravado about an infection that might be subclinical or mild in you but lethal in others is utterly misguided and, frankly, negligent. I stated that this was not some FOX News “alternative facts” universe but a harsh life-and-death reality. Tucker Carlson was spewing disinformation about COVID while quietly having his family jump the queue to get the vaccine. That is the problem.

Host: No doubt about it. Although a false revision of that history is ongoing, as the sting of memory fades.

TT: 1000%.

3. That there was increasing evidence of longer term sequalae in survivors, like reduced cardiovascular function and neurocognitive effects.

Host: My buddy has intense fatigue following a COVID infection and is quite debilitated.

TT: Sorry to hear that. Thankfully, it’s rare, but what a scary proposition. And keep in mind that in Dec 2020, we had no idea how it was all going to play out. No vaccine yet. In the early days, nobody was sure if this the Swine flu scare of 1976 or the lethal Spanish flu epidemic of 1919? Anyway, I am pretty sure what followed was on account of my fourth talking point.

4.  Here I’ll copy and paste from my actual e-mail: “My good friend (Bob) who is an interventional radiologist just placed an ultrasound-guided suprapubic urinary catheter in an otherwise healthy male in his 50’s.  Why?  Because he had thromboembolic complications of COVID that resulted in frank necrosis not only of several finger tips but also of his DICK!!” And, holy shit, the responses came pouring in, all to the effect of, “Guys, I think I’m out this year.” That’s all it took — the existential threat to a man’s junk! If only we had started a national ad campaign based on that poor man’s incredibly unfortunate, and thankfully quite rare, complication (again, we didn’t yet know how rare). I’m convinced that 95% of men would have subsequently gotten vaccinated and been wearing masks religiously until the pandemic abated. No doubt in my mind.

Host: That’s incredible. Reminds me that I need to get the new vaccine. I hate to end this on such an austere note, but I want to thank you, Tommy, for joining us in the studio. It’s been a pleasure to hear you share some of your fondest Christmas memories from over the years. Do you have any final parting words for our audience?

TT: Yes. “Put yourself down for a towel.”

It was towels-abound before Bill Murray discovered the spirit of Christmas in “Scrooged” (1988).