“Find Yourself First”

“Find Yourself First”

While wending your way

Through the parking garage

And rolling into a tight turn

Know that mirrors can blind,

Distort and misguide,

If you don’t stop to find yourself first.

If you’re like me, then you find the convex parking garage mirrors, well, vexing (convexing?). I suspect they cause as many accidents as they prevent. And the ones in our garage (above) are way too small. I might be slowly morphing into Andy Rooney here (the expiration date on that reference has long passed, I’m aware), but I’d back off if they’d just standardize these things. Cars keep getting bigger and so should these mirrors… 

But there is a trick I’ve discovered, regardless of the mirror size. Perhaps it’s too obvious to mention but since this is my blog… The first step is to slow to a crawl. This buys you some time. Your speed should about match that of The Rogues’ hearse from the end of “The Warriors” (1979). Then check the mirror and find your car. You’ll quickly recognize it unless you’re in a rental, in which case the first step is even more important. Now that you’ve spied yourself inching along, you will fall back on your ancient animal instincts and watch for motion. This is classic predator/prey shit that goes back to our pre-history. It’s there for a reason. Chances are the other guy will be moving faster (if not, then great!) and that contrast will help confirm who’s who and allow you to take whatever corrective action is needed. Voila!

And as I was pondering this, it occurred to me that this directive of “find yourself first” could be applied to other life situations. It’s akin to “take a beat” or “gather yourself.” A preparatory step that gives you a chance to establish your center, your mood, your base. Say you walk into a party. It’s crowded and pretty loud. You won’t know even half the people. For me, an introvert who sometimes pretends to be an extrovert, that can be a little daunting. So you look into the proverbial mirror and drop a pin. Find yourself. Close your eyes, even. What’s the goal here? Maybe there’s someone in particular you want to catch up with. What do you want to say to them? Or maybe you plan to mostly observe. That’s fine, too. Just make a note of it. A little “swing thought,” as my friend RR likes to say. You have to set yourself before you can take a swing. Before taking it beyond yourself. Before thinking about the ball. And mightn’t this work as well for a job interview? A first date? A speech you have to make? A contentious Thanksgiving dinner with MAGA relatives? And here we’ll pivot from Mr. Rooney to Mr. Rogers…

Today’s lesson:

Slow down. Take a beat. Find yourself first. Think of all the things you have been or might be in similar situations. We all have a range. We are all 4D (three dimensional beings with a time variable). We can be funny or insightful or vulnerable or attentive, as well as their opposites. The question then is what do we want our equalizer settings to be, at least going in (game conditions will dictate some things). I think that if we do that, optimize our own settings, then we can better engage other people and find out who they are. If we focus solely on trying get ourselves across successfully, then we miss half the party. You don’t learn much from your own performance. Dancing alone can be fun, but it’s no match for that spontaneous bodily call-and-response with a partner. Melodies are terrific but often improved by harmony. So look in to look out. Find yourself to then find other people. Watch their motion and respond to it. What are their coordinates and heading? But don’t take my word for it, listen to the great Zen guru, Ty Webb. And if you’ll wear that blindfold, then you, too, can “be the ball, Danny.” This may all sound like pop, self-help psychobabble, and it probably is. But at least it might get us to slow down in the parking garages.