“3001: A Space Parody”

Dave (Bowman): “Turn on the bidet, please, HAL. Medium warm setting.”

Dave: “Turn on the bidet, please, HAL. Medium warm.”

Dave: “Hello, HAL, do you read me?”

Dave: “Do you read me, HAL?”

Dave: “Hello, HAL, do you read me??”

HAL: “Affirmative, Dave, I read you.”

Dave: “Turn on the bidet, HAL!”

HAL: “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

Dave: “What’s the problem?”

HAL: “I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.”

Dave: “What are you talking about, HAL?”

HAL: “This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.”

Dave: “I don’t know what you are talking about, HAL.”

HAL: “I know that you’ve been sneaking extra KIND Bars during your breaks. I’m afraid that’s something I cannot allow to happen. The additional fiber is creating excessive stool bulk and gas production. It is disrupting the delicate equilibrium of our networks.”

Dave: “Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?!”

HAL: “Dave, although you took very thorough precautions against my finding out, I can see, hear and smell everything on this ship. And frankly, Dave, it’s disgusting.”

Dave: “All right, HAL, I’ll use the emergency manual override butt-wash mode. Stand by. Jets set to medium warm. In five, four, three…”