“Finger Nail”

There seems to be some uncertainty over who precisely invented the nail gun. But recently Biblical scholars point to an anecdote from the latter pages of the New Testament that sheds light on its origins. We pick up the story at Golgotha (Aramaic for “skull”), aka Calvary, the dome-shaped hill outside Jerusalem. Three men are grouped in whispered discussion as Roman centurions are amassing nearby. These are the indentured servants who will act as the day’s crucifiers, and they have just drawn lots as to who will crucify whom:

Crucifier #1: “Jesus H. Christ!”

Crucifier #2: “What? Which one did you get?”

Crucifier #1: “The one everyone’s going on about. The Nazarene!”

Crucifier #2: “Ah, yeah. I’ve read about him. Turned fish into wine or something. That sort of thing grabs the attention of the dark overlords. Never a good thing.”

Crucifier #3: “I got one of the thieves. Nice guy, actually. Chatted him up near the well. He seems really contrite about it all. The 3-strike rule is utter bullshit if you asked me.”

Crucifier #2: “My guy looks the lout. Snaggle-tooth. Scar on his cheek. Keeps scratching at his loins. And his breath smells to the heavens! He’s a nasty one, alright.”

Crucifier #1: “Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Just my luck. If he is who he says he is, then I am rightly fucked. Probably smite me the second it’s done. Best keep back, gents. Seriously.”

Crucifier #3: ” Naw, he doesn’t seem the type. Walks the walk, if you know what I mean. It’s against his brand. But did you hear the bloody Romans are now timing us on our executions? They have new productivity metrics for both ropings and nailings. They don’t give a jot about crucifixion quality. What’s this world coming to?! Remember the good old days of stonings? It was all clean-up.”

Crucifier #1: “Christ.”

Crucifier #2: “Jesus.”

Crucifier #3: “Yup.”

Crucifier #2: “You know what we need? A gun for nails. A nail gun. That would speed things along. Maybe call it The Punching Pilate!”

Crucifier #3: “Wait. What’s a gun??”

Crucifier #1: “OMGesus, would you two shut up?!”

Crucifier #2: “I’m just sayin’….”